Ire and Marrow
by tokibee
Summary: Manga Kaworu and Shinji get into a fight and then hug it out. Violence, blood, angst, and smooching.


_This was written as part of a creative work trade, and I probably had more fun with it than I should have._

Touch _is still active and I'm half-way through the next chapter! I hope this will suffice in the meantime. Thank you for reading!_

* * *

"Get _off_ of me!"

The hard bone of Shinji's palm lands with surprising force against Kaworu's chest, enough to push him away from the gasping boy who presses himself defensively against the exit door of the school roof. Kaworu inhales deeply to compensate for the breath pushed out of his solar plexus, but then only smiles wider, observing Shinji with a curious interest. He places a hand against his chest, rubbing gingerly, and discerns when Shinji's face almost turns remorseful underneath the panic and the anger. He had learned quickly that Shinji had the strange habit of hiding one emotion under the guise of another, and had become rather adept at pinpointing which feelings were which, though he usually did not understand them.

"I'm alright, Ikari." Kaworu tries to be reassuring, stepping forward. "You didn't hurt me."

Shinji's scowl becomes more determined, and any regret he showed for the potential harm he caused fades away from his expression.

"Don't." He says curtly, his fists tensing into white balls at Kaworu's approach. Kaworu stops and cocks his head to the side slightly, his smiling shrinking into a more thoughtful line.

"You're angry...with me?" He asks, confusion weighing his eyebrows together.

"Yes!" Shinji spits, grinding his knuckles into his sides. "I told you to stop getting so close to me!"

"I don't understand." Kaworu smiles again and shrugs when Shinji rolls his eyes. "I love you. Isn't it normal to want to be close to the ones that you love?" Kaworu was elated when Shinji had come up to the roof where he had been idling around alone, lost in his own contemplation, and had hoped that perhaps Shinji had come up intentionally to see him. After what had happened between them a few nights before, his embarrassing hyperventilation excuses, he wasn't sure if he had accidentally closed Shinji away from him with his eagerness. But their conversation today had been cordial, pleasant even, and when Shinji wanted to leave he felt the icy uneasiness of dismissal settle in the pit of his stomach. He had only wanted to hold him, just for a second, and if Shinji would just allow him to show how he felt...

"I don't know how many times I have to say this." Shinji sighs and stares down at his shoes. "Guys don't love each other..._like that._"

"Ah?" Kaworu smirks, reaching his hand out. "And why is that?" His fingers brush gently against Shinji's face - the skin is hot to the touch, and Shinji inhales sharply as they move up towards his earlobe. Kaworu can briefly feel a tightening of jaw muscles under his fingertips before Shinji roughly grabs his wrist, yanking his arm sharply down and away. There is the flash of discomfort in his shoulder joint and the dull ache of Shinji's hand wrapped tightly around his thin arm, and he wants to protest but now there is shattering pain in his mouth and he is stumbling backward into the guard rail. He grips it clumsily behind him to catch his fall, his head lolling forward to counter the sudden spinning of his world around him. He tries to piece together what is happening to him, forcing his eyes to open, and watches as splotches of deep red appear one after the other on the ground and on his white canvas shoes.

"Bleeding...?" He tries to murmur, and the sound comes out fleshy and ill-defined as he reaches up to touch his throbbing mouth. His fingers pull away, covered in the same red liquid that is oozing down his chin. He licks at the warm copper taste around his lips; it's somewhat pleasing, surprisingly. Even the pain is exhilarating in a way, and the sudden euphoria of being alive makes the inside of his head feel cold and light.

"I _told_ you..." He hears Shinji growl above the dim ringing in his head, and he allows himself go lax when Shinji grabs his collar in a shaking fist, lifting him upright to face eyes darkened with rage. "I told you I would knock your goddamn teeth out."

"You did." Kaworu coughs out a small laugh. His demeanor is nothing short of adoring, which only seems to make Shinji more furious.

"Don't. Laugh." Shinji pulls Kaworu towards him and Kaworu lets him. "I could push you over this rail if I wanted to, you know." Shinji's face is twisted up with tension, but Kaworu can sense a fear creeping behind his mask. He can tell that Shinji does not want to lose control, does not want to show this part of himself to others. Knowing that he had done this, that he is responsible for Shinji losing his barrier in some sense, makes him happy in a way that he can't exactly comprehend.

"You could, if that's what you want." Kaworu grins, and he can feel the blood seeping around his teeth. "I don't mind." Shinji's breath is forceful and unsteady against his face. It feels lovely, and Kaworu closes his eyes for just a moment to relish it.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Shinji finally grumbles, his grip against Kaworu's collar relaxing but not relinquishing.

"I don't take living for granted." Kaworu responds, his gaze lazily shifting to the side in thought. "Is that what you're talking about, maybe?"

"Just...just shut up." Shinji whispers. He is shaking now, and he lets his fingers slide away from Kaworu's shirt, resting for a moment against his breast bone. Kaworu can feel his heart thudding against that thin hand, and can see his blood smeared against those fingers, and it is all becoming too much.

"Should I _show_ you what I mean, then?" Kaworu says, voice low, and before Shinji can respond he lands a blow into the brunette's gut, delighting at the sound of Shinji's breathy groan as he falls backwards onto the hard ground. Shinji wraps his arms around his abdomen and hungrily swallows gulps of air, kicking his feet against the rooftop pavement to move himself away. Kaworu beams down at him and nonchalantly steps closer until Shinji has pushed himself against the wall behind him, knees drawn up against him in a last-ditch defense.

"Are you...are you crazy?!" Shinji sputters, wincing and clutching tighter to his stomach.

"Is that what you think?" Kaworu lets his head roll to the side, his uneven bangs falling alongside his crooked smile. "Aren't you more grateful for the air in your lungs after that?" He gently nudges Shinji's knee with his blood-stained sneaker and Shinji struggles to his feet, leaning backwards to keep himself upright. Kaworu coos lovingly, reaches his wet hand forward and runs it down Shinji's mouth and chin, marking him with his own bright red color. Shinji grimaces, still struggling to breath, and pulls back his fist once more; this time Kaworu lets instinct take over and deflects the careless attempt, then automatically retaliates with his own, centering in between Shinji's eyes. Shinji yelps and the back of his head knocks with a jarring crack against the wall, his own blood now running from each nostril and down his chin, staining his undershirt with dark crimson spots.

"You can feel it now, right?" Kaworu grabs Shinji's wrists and traps them on either side of his head. "The blood pumping through your body? Proof that you're alive, that you're here. With me." Shinji is panting, and weakly tries to wriggle out of Kaworu's tight grasp, his bones creaking under Kaworu's fingers.

"I...I can't..." He sniffs, head falling forward as his arms concede defeat. Kaworu frowns, his eyes narrowing with impatience.

"You can't what? You can't feel your own life?" Kaworu grips his wrists even tighter, slamming them against the wall again. "You can't love me?"

"That...that's not it...!" Shinji lets out a frustrated sob and lifts his face to meet Kaworu's, a thin trickle of tears running down the inside corner of his eye, diluting the blood smeared along his cheekbone. Kaworu's eyes widen at this outburst, his heart skipping half a beat before he composes himself again.

"No?" He shifts his head down, running the tip of his nose against Shinji's neck, breathing in his earthy scent. Shinji shivers and exhales through his clenched teeth with a small hiss, which does not go missed by Kaworu, who feels himself tremble slightly in an echo of Shinji's body.

"Na...gi...sa..." Shinji shifts in his grasp, but Kaworu can feel a distinct difference in his efforts this time. Now it's only for show, for pride.

"You _want_ to feel this, then?" Kaworu cuts him off, rubbing his cheek affectionately against Shinji's own. "With _me_?"

"I..." Shinji begins, hesitating, searching around with his eyes, before a wonderful sort of surrender appears to wash across his face. "...yes." He finally yields, quietly, and Kaworu's heart flares out in triumph. He presses his forehead against Shinji's, noting the faint spreading of blue and purple underneath his eyes, and lines his lips just shy of the shorter pilot's slight pout. He is embracing this moment, this intense electricity that is running between the almost nonexistent space between their mouths, when Shinji releases an unsteady breath, and he's done for.

"Please..." Kaworu is surprised to hear himself brokenly utter, and Shinji's face goes soft and forgiving, and Kaworu wants it - whatever this is that is happening, he wants it all.

His mouth is on Shinji's now, his movements skittish and exploratory, as if his lips were controlled by a bundle of misfiring nerves. He's only ever seen this happen on television shows, but it oddly feels like the only thing he could possibly do in this moment, some primal instinct driving him to take part in this physical ritual between two human beings. Shinji is stiff for a moment, his nervous exhales disappearing entirely, before he starts to mimic Kaworu's awkward movements, his guarded wrists relaxing in Kaworu's hands. Kaworu's mouth is raw and aching but he can't help but let out a vulnerable moan when he feels Shinji's teeth click against his and he opens his mouth wider, pressing himself against Shinji a bit more harshly than he intends when their tongues nervously meet. Shinji's back arches tenuously against the pressure, and there is a hardness between his legs that makes Kaworu light-headed when it rubs against his leg. He pulls slightly away from the kiss, trying to find his breath, but Shinji lunges forward and catches him within it again, his wrists straining against Kaworu's hold as he feverishly bites down on his already split bottom lip. Stars light up behind Kaworu's eyelids as the pain shoots through his mouth and jaw, but that somehow makes it all the more gratifying when the sensation melts into the yielding feeling of Shinji's lips dragging across his own and the brilliant, sharp taste of the blood on their mouths and the melody of Shinji's small mewls and gasps. Shinji is still rubbing up against him and it's nice, very nice, until Shinji shifts and suddenly Kaworu is aware of his _own_ hardness - the feeling of it thrust against Shinji's makes him shudder violently and bury his face into his shoulder to muffle the loud groan that escapes from his throat.

"Nagisa...let...let go.." Shinji breathes, flexing his wrists, while Kaworu tenderly rocks his pelvis against him. Kaworu doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to risk Shinji pushing him away and rejecting him, again, but Shinji's luring voice compels him to obey as he unfurls his fingers one by one. He braces himself for the hard shove he fully expects, but instead he feels Shinji's arms wrap tightly around his waist, pulling him closer, and he's so in love with everything about this moment and this experience - an exquisite suffering that makes his short time in this world worth every second he has to endure.

"Say Kaworu..." He mutters against Shinji's ear, earning a small jolt of Shinji's hips in response. "My name is Kaworu..." Shinji initially doesn't make any signs of registering his request, but the name slips out of his lips when Kaworu begins to kiss down the contour of Shinji's taut neck muscle, and he doesn't protest when Kaworu takes it upon himself to whisper _Shinji_ against his protruding collar bone. Kaworu pushes at Shinji's foot with his own and Shinji follows his lead, opening his legs to allow Kaworu to press their aches against one another. Shinji cries out at Kaworu's slow grind, pulling him in with desperate hands and driving Kaworu even more forcefully against him. Kaworu wants to hear that noise again and again, wants Shinji to break down for him, to beg for him, to need him as much as he now knows he needs Shinji, and he begins to roll himself back and forth until Shinji's words become incomprehensible between the moans and the sighs and the sound of their bodies so close to one another. Shinji roughly yanks at his shirt until it comes undone and tousled around his hips, and his burning fingers sear a trail from his belly to his back, his palms branding him as they push him forward.

"What do you think about me now, Shinji?" Kaworu simpers, slowing the vigor of his movements and nipping at the gentle round of Shinji's chin. "Do you still hate me?"

"Nng...shut _up_..." Shinji whines, bucking his pelvis in pursuit when Kaworu pulls away. "Harder...do it harder..."

"Not until you answer me." Kaworu grips him viciously by his hip bones and forces him back. Shinji snarls with dissent and Kaworu flashes his teeth in coquettish smile, running his tongue across his scarlet-stained canine.

"Kaworu, don't!" Shinji pleads, awkwardly kneading his fingertips into the muscle of Kaworu's back. Kaworu shakes his head.

"Tell me first." Kaworu leans in and drags his teeth down Shinji's throat to where it curves into his shoulder, tentatively licking where he can see his pulse bounding beneath the skin. "I want to hear how you feel about me, right now..." When Shinji begins to draw his shoulders up in defiance, Kaworu punitively sinks his teeth into his blushing flesh; Shinji howls, digging his nails ferociously across Kaworu's back, which only causes Kaworu to bear down harder.

"I _love_ you, you _bastard_!" Shinji bawls as Kaworu feels the skin break beneath his teeth. "I fucking love you, you stupid goddamn...!" Shinji's tirade instantly disintegrates into lustful wheezing as Kaworu starts to thrust mercilessly against him once more, the back of Shinji's head knocking against the wall behind him with each assault, and even though he doesn't complain or even seem to care, Kaworu notices, reaching up to cradle it protectively with one hand. Shinji peers at him imploringly from behind his mussed bangs, his open mouth smeared with their dark red mix, and Kaworu forcibly swallows an urge to squeeze his pretty neck until it ceases to make breath - to make himself the last thing that Shinji will ever see, will ever love.

Kaworu was first intrigued by his feelings for Shinji. Then he hated them. Now, he was deliriously lost within them as Shinji writhed against him, sucking hotly on his neck, humming his name as if it were made to roll off of his tongue alone. Shinji was the only person who ever _had_ called Kaworu by his first name. It was unfair, it was _so unfair_ that he had been made in this body, was able to feel all the sensations he was feeling now, when he knew it was all going to disappear and that none of it would matter. Why had he been created this way, capable of touching and smelling and tasting and feeling this terrible, terrible aching inside of his chest? Created to live just long enough to caress the surface of life, while knowing that he could never truly hold it? Shinji was clinging to him, wanting him, loving him back, and he could do nothing but die. He was going to die. He was _going to die_.

"Kaworu...! Please...more...I'm gonna..." Shinji's jerking becomes erratic and he's moaning into Kaworu's ear, bringing him back to center. Kaworu doesn't catch his meaning, and Shinji's gone back to his nonverbal purring, but the ragged jutting of his hips and the rising intensity of his voice causes something to build up in the bottom of Kaworu's abdomen, spreading with each undulation against one another. He's suddenly consumed by a urgent need to shatter at his core, an unfamiliar feeling that he does not know how to gratify - but then he feels calloused fingers tangling and tugging in his hair and Shinji's mouth brushing just barely against his own, the vibrations of his moaning prickling Kaworu's still-tender lips, and he can feel it coming, he's coming...

"Kaworu...!" Shinji cries out, his head tossing backwards as his spine contorts in Kaworu's arms. Kaworu feels like he is falling, and he doesn't know what to do so he kisses Shinji fiercely, holds his body tightly as it spasms against him, until he feels a sublime unraveling of the carnal knot twisted in his stomach. He groans loudly with gasped hitches marking each wave of euphoria and leans into Shinji as the strength drains from his legs.

"Kaworu...why are...you crying?" The question pulls Kaworu's head upright, opens his eyes to see Shinji, face flushed and spread with burgundy, raise his eyebrows with concern and reach a cautious hand to his face. Kaworu _is_ crying, he realizes now - he's only cried once before - and he smiles warmly as Shinji smears away his tears with his thumb.

"Ah...I'm not sure, actually." Kaworu laughs, shaking his head a bit. Shinji scrunches his mouth up in irritation, though a hint of a smirk remains.

"Weirdo." He sighs, taking his hand away from Kaworu and placing it at the bridge of his nose. "Oww..."

"I'm sorry for that..." Kaworu mutters as he unbuttons his white over-shirt, stripping it off and using it to wipe the blood off of his face and hands.

"No, I deserved it." Shinji accepts the shirt when Kaworu hands it to him, gingerly wiping his own lips and chin. "How's your mouth?"

"No missing teeth, yet." Kaworu teases. Shinji smiles, blushing just slightly with embarrassment, and shifts awkwardly from one leg to the other.

"Um...we really shouldn't...be seen, like this." He says, and Kaworu nods, now well-aware of the sticky, damp feeling spreading in his pants.

"I have my exercise clothes and an extra uniform in my gym locker, we should be able to make it there without being noticed." He offers, pushing as much hair out from in front of his eyes as possible in an effort to appear half-way decent, at least from a distance.

"Okay." Shinji agrees, jabbing him softly in the ribs when he slings a pale arm around his shoulders. "I want the uniform, though."


End file.
